I wish

“to my dearest, Sarah,

happiest birthday honey!

oh my god, my little girl will get her driving license this week! I cant wait to be in the passenger seat and you drive me to the groceries ;) tho, your curfew is still the same. 10pm, sharp, u understand?

ah anywayy, happy birthday you, my only one, my dearest, my world, my everything <3

Thank you for being born and choosing me to be your mother, honey. idk tho how it works and idk what I’ve done in my past life then God send you to be a part of my life. I am forever grateful to have a beautiful soul like you by my side. Thank you so much honey for always understanding me and helping me after your dad was gone. You obviously are my source of happiness and my reason to keep going. I love you much more than you can imagine ;)

I am truly sorry I have to leave early this morning (I wish I could switch my morning shift at the hospital but I can’t) and I don’t have any heart to wake u up this early :( but I’ll get back home soon with ur birthday cake, okay? (can you guess what you’ll get this time? ;) Nope, nope that earl grey shortcake again)

oh, it’s almost 5 am, I need to go now. I’m so sweet by writing you this letter, aren’t I? Have a good sleep hon! don’t forget to bring your umbrella if you go out later, ok? I think the rain won’t stop soon. once again, happy birthday Sarah! Jan 3 will always be a happy day for me since we’ll spend time together, please wait for me ok? I’ll be back after lunch.

see you birthday girl.

xoxo,

mom”

Sigh. This ineffable feeling still won’t go after all this time. Even though it’s already the thousand times I read your letter. Even though it’s already the fifth of January 3rd and I keep reading the same letter.

I wish you’d woke me up that morning. I wish you’d switched your morning shift with your colleague. I wish you’d taken that umbrella with you, instead of leaving it for me, so you didn’t have to run to the other side of the road in the middle of the downpour. and you didn’t have to meet that drunk crazy driver that took you away from me. And I really wish you’d be back home after lunch that day. Although, you never…

Mom, I keep wondering, do you still like January 3rd? do you know that I’ve already got my driving license 3 months after you’re gone? do you know there’s no day passed to not thinking about you? do you still believe I am still your source of happiness? Because I’m starting to not believe so…

Home?

Fasten my steps, turned into a little run while checking in the time on my wrist -ah, 8.12 pm, I was late. I ran, didn’t care I looked funny cause my overcoat and shirt certainly looked messy. Although the pavement might be slippery after the downpour this afternoon, I kept running.

Five minutes later, I found him, under that dimmed streetlight across our favorite diner. He waved his plumpy hand and gave me his signature enchanting smile. I smiled back, ran, and came to his embrace. It was like coming back home, today weariness’ seems to disappear. I smell his scent; woody and balsamic sweet feel like I am sitting by a fireplace at home, smokey and warm. Yes, I’m home, I said to myself as I tightly hugged him back.

We had dinner at our favorite spot in our favorite diner -but something was off, I didn’t know what. Outside the diner place, I couldn’t help myself, “why? what happened?”.

After a few moments of tight-lipped, “I’m sorry, I’ve really tried, but as hard as I’ve done things, we keep heading in the wrong direction,” you said.

I retreated a few steps back unconsciously. Many things were flashing in my mind, words scattered around my thoughts yet I couldn’t pick any logical reasons. “what?” -the only word that could escape from my mouth.

“I should have known better that we’re different; your dreams, your world, … your reasons of happiness, and I want you to be happy. Thus I’m letting you go” -no, I couldn’t proceed with any words and the meaning behind them.

I didn’t know how long we just stood there staring at the wet pavement below us without any conversation until you said “let me walk you home for the last time.”

I was biting down my lips as hard as I could to hold my tears, “but you are my home, and I’m your home, aren’t I?”

.

.

But the whispers of the January breeze were the only sound that I could hear after that.

torao-d-water-ya:

Even of Day “Where the Sea Sleeps” M/V reaction:

No thoughts, feelings only

Didn’t catch this on first watch, but there it is.

This is where my heart jumps into my mouth - I’d hoped they’d be there, but didn’t want to be let down

Is it time to start crying? Almost. I want you to be with them too, Pil. I want to be with them too. Fuck, not crying yet. Not yet. HOW FUCKING BEAUTIFUL IS KIM WONPIL’S VOICE MY GOD?????

Okay so baby Dowoon is holding onto them and isn’t gonna let them go even as he sinks into the ocean. Maybe okay to start crying now.

Oh no, Pil is crying, that can’t be good

I don’t believe I can fight this sea alone

.

.

.

Never have I cried this hard at an M/V. I didn’t even realize how much I was missing the five of them until Even of Day smacked me in the face with a song clearly dedicated to their hyungs. And I am emotionally devastated.

💔😭

self conversation in the dark

what if I am a dusty corner in a huge yet packed amusement park that no one ever catches a glimpse of?

what if I was in the same frame, same place, same span of time, but we’re too dazzled to realize things?

what if I’ve already been stuck since many years ago and no one can help me?

what if the truth is the chance is still there, not going anywhere, waiting for me to pick it up?

what if I burn the bridges, will someone try to rebuild them so we can fix whatever’s left?

what if the night never ends and the pale crescent moon shines so brightly but the despair is so thick in the air around us? What should we do?

what if it’s the idea of falling in love that makes me holding on instead of his beautiful mind, his gentle manner, or his warm affection?

what if I pack all of my sweaters, close the door, and move to New Zealand forever?

what if my unconscious mind drives me to the situation that deep down I know it’s only for another run? Would I give it another chance, another room, another…. run?

what if in the end, we’re walking on an endless tightrope with everyone’s cheering on us but you do realize it’s useless; will you jump or keep on walking?

what if I and you only make another damage, another baggage to ourselves? will you forgive me?

what if I am just another lost soul who’s too afraid to fly so I never land?

what if I am floating and floating and flying around my way over Mars and I’m falling in Uranus, would I survive? would I die? or would I become a diamond?

what if I run and I run and I run and never find my way getting back to you?

New Year’s Eve

Dimmed light, breezy air, and noisy crowd, surprisingly don’t bother me tonight. Most of the time, the sound of the waves lapping against the shore will help me calm, but it’s also not working this time. I’m still doing that anxious glance to the front gate of the Pier every 2 minutes.

It’s 10 minutes to New Year. People in my hometown always have that kind of new year festival on this Pier. Unfortunately, for a mid 20’s girl like me, the Pier is not the most popular place for a new year’s eve.

Looking around, I see most teenagers are having a good time; chattering, bickering, laughing, or even seem like making a fool out of themselves. It reminds me of my teenage years and surely it was one of the best phases of my life. I’m smiling as my mind wandering to my high school moments; thinking: If I could go back in time, would I change anything in the past?

As I pay attention to those crowds of youth, I catch a glimpse of a rare view on the bench near the end of the pier. An old couple is having a conversation and by their looks I’m guessing their age; maybe.. 60..ish? or 70? They are talking and looking at each other with the most admirable stare towards each other. Also, those genuine smile that appears once a while. Ah, what a lovely scene! It makes me wonder what will I do on the New Year’s Eve 40 years from now? Will I spend the night with the one I love?

Come to my sense, I check my phone and the front gate. It’s already 2 minutes to New Year and nothing’s there. Sighing as thinking what a fool of me to get a high hope that this year will be the same as the other past years. Damn you mind, I just realized I’ve let me have this mindless dreaming the whole year. Although, I should’ve realized that why would someone will remember his word while we’ve stopped being in touched in the last 11 months? It’s a stupid promise for a 16 years old kid, Jane. I remind my self.

“10… 9… 8…” everyone’s chanting.

well maybe I should make a wish?

“7… 6… 5…”

I wish I could make all my resolutions happen this year, finger crossed.

“4… 3… 2…”

Oh and hopefully sbux across the street still open. I kinda need a doze of booster right now.

“1… HAPPY NEW YEAR!” the horns are roaring in the background as I lean on the fence and gazing at the fireworks. It is still fascinating to watch even the wind is blowing so strong now and all I can smell is the scent of the salty air.

“Happy New Year Jane” said a soothing voice behind me. Surprise, I turn around to see a man held out a cup of coffee for me.

“Ben?! You come!” surely my mouth is gaping at this point.

“Of course I come. I promise you, remember?” He’s smiling and my heart is full in a sudden.

Someday

It is 9.42 am. I get panic as I step out of the car. How could I oversleep this morning?? I might miss the train! With a buzzing mind, I’m hastily stepping the cobblestone to reach the entrance hall. Once I get into the hall, I feel so dizzy. This place is really overcrowded, isn’t it? People are everywhere, some of them are gathering in several spots, while the others keep walking and moving like they are in a rush. Also, not forget to mention the indistinct conversations all around the place and the loud rattling sound every time the announcer speaks from the speaker. Ha! I can’t stand it but I need to know which platform that I need to go to.

It is 9.48 am. I scroll up and down my phone gallery multiple times but can’t find that screenshot of the ticket. Jeez. Where is it? What picture consists of departure schedule information that I read before? Ugh. Screw it.

“…..”

“The number you are dialed cannot be reached at the moment, please try again later”

Oh, for God Sake! Please pick up the phone! I don’t care, I dial the number again.

“……” C’mon pick up, please. And after two more attempts;

“Yes, Kevin? I was just done arranging my luggage, sorry can’t pick up before”

“No Problem, where are you? Which platform is your train?”

“Huh? My train is on Platform 7, you’re here?”

“Ok” I hang up the phone. There’s no enough time to have a chit-chat through the phone. I run to Platform 7 as I glance at the big clock above the ticket counter; it’s 9.55 am.

Pls get out of the train. I bring u something. Meet me outside.

I text her, hopefully, there’s still time and she wants to listen to me this time. I run, trying to ignore the dizziness and avoid anyone in front of me.

“Kevin! Kevin! Here! What are you doing??”

I stop in front of her and trying to calm my breath after all those running.

“Here. Your umbrella. You left it in my car last night” still trying to catch my breath as my hand offer her the yellow umbrella.

“What?! Are you out of your mind? You don’t have to give it to me in here, you can keep it until I get home”

“Your attention please; this is the final call for the 10.00 am train service to New York Penn Station on platform 7”

I glance at my watch, it’s 9.59 am. “No way, I couldn’t keep that flashy ugly yellow umbrella for 4 years. Here, and go get into the train” As I lead her to the train door and watch her jump into the train.

“Naah, it’s not that long, you will see my beautiful face again someday in this year”

“Ha! It’s okay 4 years, don’t make it shorter than that” I reply loudly as the train whistle’s blaring in the background.

As the train starts to run, there’s a window open and her head is popping out of the window;

“Bye Kev! See you someday!”

“Bye Max! Someday!” I smile.

“Someday!” She shouts, grinning, and the train is running away.

“Someday” I whisper unconsciously and smiling, knowing I get that hope to meet my first love again, someday.

I hate losing a friend.

It was 12 years ago, when I made my close friend’s sad and she started acting indifferent. I was so sad and questioning my own decision. A “what should I do?” always at the end of my mind everytime she was so distant and aloof to me. I tried everything to make she came back to me. It took months or a year until I get her back.

I hate losing a friend.

It was 7 years ago, when I couldn’t give any explanation to my close friend. Even a one word answer has never been gave. I was so devastated, in my defense I have never known what all those things meant. Then, bam! the question being asked and I lost in my own thoughts, speechless and disappeared without any words left. Obviously, he was gone and it took years to finally have a fun conversation with him again.

I hate losing a friend.

It was 6 years ago, when things went wrong without I realized it. I am not good with words, I am not good with expressing my feelings. That time, I couldn’t stand the thought of losing another friend. So I told him “don’t go”; then weeks later I just realized the perspective of that phrase was different between my side and his. Again, I was panicked and I didn’t want to lose another friend. “What’s wrong with trying?” my mind was thinking about the shortcut that in the end I chose to do. Turns out; I can’t and it was the worst decision I’ve ever made. It all went wrong, and here I am, feeling callous about him and never want to be friend anymore. But still, I won’t lost a friend if I didn’t took that shortcut, am I right?

I hate losing a friend.

Well, who doesn’t? But for me, I could have that grieve over years and overthink it; “why did I do that?” “He/She is kind, why I did those things that leads to ruining the friendship???’”

Afterall, I agree with the answer from Song-Hwa in the 1st episode of HP Season 2. It’s 20 years of friendship; don’t ruin it. If I were Song-Hwa, I think I’ll do the same. If I could go back in time, I will tell my younger self to not to be selfish and tell the truth even it will hurt anyone else in the end. Yup, it will be scary, but let’s be braver and be Mature Nad.

Sincerely,

Me, who is trying and wondering if I could keep my friends in my pocket so I could take them anywhere this train take me to.

Ayah, aku tunggu depan rumah ya!

21 April 2021

“….”

“….”

“The number you are calling cannot be reach right now. Please leave a message after the tone”

beep.

“Ayah, ayah, aku udah siap ke sekolah! hari ini hari Kartini ayah! aku didandanin ibu loh pake baju bali! Ayah sih pergi kerja duluan. Nanti liat fotoku ya ayah! Dadah ayah aku sekolah dulu”

22 April 2021

“…..”

“…..”

“The number you are calling cannot be reach right now. Please leave a message after the tone”

beep.

“Ayah… ayah kapan pulang? Ibu dari kemarin nangis terus. Padahal nenek pagi ini datang trus telfon juga berbunyi terus. Tapi kenapa ibu tetap bersedih ya… Ayah ayo pulang! Aku kemarin sudah foto di depan rumah bersama Made, Yudha dan Anes. Nanti kita pajang boleh ya ayah? Dadah ayah, nanti aku tunggu di depan rumah ya ayah!”

23 April 2021

“…..”

“…..”

“The number you are calling cannot be reach right now. Please leave a message after the tone”

beep.

“Ayah, di TV banyak video tentang kapal selam. Videonya mirip dengan yang ayah tunjukkan di hp ayah. Ah aku jadi ga sabar buat ngeliat langsung. Ayah ga lupa kan janji ayah buat ajak aku liat kapalnya ayah? Ayah ayo pulang, ajak aku lihat kapal selaaam”

24 April 2021

“…..”

“…..”

“The number you are calling cannot be reach right now. Please leave a message after the tone”

beep.

“Ayah, Ibu masih menangis dan ga mau makan. Nenek juga menangis seharian.. Tapi Wak Putu hari ini datang ke rumah! Putri dan Ninis juga datang, asyiik aku bisa bermain dan tidur bareng hari ini. Tapi ayah, ayah kapan pulang? Sepertinya Ibu Rindu ayah. Aku juga. Ayah aku tunggu ya besok pagi di depan rumah! Dadah Ayah”

25 April 2021

“…..”

“…..”

“The number you are calling cannot be reach right now. Please leave a message after the tone”

beep.

“Ayah, hari ini rumah kita ramai sekali ayah. Jangan-jangan ibu ulang tahun ya? tapi Ibu tetap murung.. sepertinya bukan? Aku hari ini mau menemani ibu saja deh, ga main dulu sama Putri dan Ninis. Aku sedih kalau Ibu sedih. Ayah ayo pulang dong, kita hibur Ibu bersama. Aku tunggu ya di depan rumaah. Dadah ayah!”

26 April 2021

“…..”

“…..”

“The number you are calling cannot be reach right now. Please leave a message after the tone”

beep.

“Ayah, kata Nenek, aku gabisa nelfon ayah lagi, soalnya ayah udah ga megang hp lagi. Maksudnya nenek, hp ayah hilang ya? huh, padahal aku suka hp ayah banyak foto ayah aku dan ibu jalan-jalan. Ada banyak foto ayah dan kapal selam juga! Nanti kalo ayah pulang, ayah pake hpku aja dulu, biar aku bisa telfon ayah kalo ayah ga di rumah. Aku tunggu di depan rumah ya ayah. Dadah Ayah!”

In the honor of Nanggala (402) and all its crews on their eternal patrol </3

Beneath The Lilac Sky

Beneath the lilac sky, I prayed.

He ran along the road, waving his hand eagerly at me and giving me the widest and the most endearing grin I ever saw. My mind leapt into another moment. You with your sheepish grin after accidentally fallen into the pool. I laughed; isn’t he adorable? I asked to myself.

Beneath the lilac sky, I prayed.

We walked along the shoreline; the waves were creeping steadily towards our feet. You sang the song about ten little Indians with weird voices. My mind leapt into another moment. It is similar with your favorite poem about ten little Indians and its creepy mystery. I smiled; isn’t he appealing? I asked to myself.

Beneath the lilac sky, I prayed.

Drifted away to the end of the dawn, the overrated jokes that being told over and over again were on the radio as we past the sleepy lazy cat bookshop. My mind leapt into another moment. We were laughing too hard on something silly and foolish as you drove in the dark, getting lost upstate. I laughed; isn’t he as you expected? I asked to my self

Beneath the lilac sky, I prayed..

As the car reached my house, I unstrapped myself from the passenger seat. “Thank you Joe for the lovely afternoon, I had so much fun”. He looked at me; lingered too long.

“I am not Joe, you know it right?” as he smiled with that crestfallen look.

Beneath the lilac sky, I prayed I can convince myself and fall in love again.

Summer Break in 2005

July 11, 2005

Today is the first day of summer break. I didn’t join any camp because Dad told me that we are going to Bali for this holiday. However, I think it won’t be happened. He and mom are too busy with their job at the office. I think I’m just going to go to library this afternoon so I won’t die of boredom.

July 12, 2005

Yup, positive we’re not going to Bali this summer break. Arrgh, I should have listened to Joey and joined his “back to nature” summer camp :( Anyway, yesterday I went to library, the ambience really cozy and homey. I ended up spending 5 hours in there. Plus, guess what? I made a new friend! Her name is Mindy. She wore a long sleeve turtle neck and jeans. Hmm weird, is the air already blazing hot? Well… It’s up to her tho and she is a bit quiet but she’s really nice. So.. We made a promise to meet again tomorrow.

July 27, 2005

I’ve read 10 books in this last 2 weeks! Ha! Is it a good thing or is it a good thing? I mean I feel like I am so cool and nerd and cool cause I have read more books than I expected in this span of time but Idk, is it still a few if being compared with others? Oh and about Mindy, we start becoming a close friend. Our read references quite similar too and I can’t wait to lend her my Spiderwick Chronicles so we could discuss about it and hang out in her room this weekend!!!

July 31, 2005

I just got home from Mindy’s. I didn’t feel good about some things. Her house is… I don’t know. Hmmm I think it is haunted? And why we had to hide in her closet when her dad’s home? And why her mom and dad talked in a loud hysterical voice? Did they see a ghost and scared? I don’t feel comfortable about these things.

August 5, 2005

I met Mindy today at the Como Park. This week I stopped visiting the library since I had to do some chores and take Milo walk to the park (why doesn’t he take a walk by himself and come home after he’s tired? I’m sure he knows the way home). Mindy was a little bit gloomy but she didn’t tell me anything. Although, I noticed that her eyes are a little bit swollen. And there was a red scratch under her wrist? Or maybe I was wrong.

August 7, 2005

I was meant to meet Mindy at Library this afternoon. But she didn’t appear. Did she forget that we planned to read that goosebumps books together?

August 10, 2005

Mindy and I met in the library today. Something weird happened. I was giving her a clap in her back when I first saw her back but she was start to crying. I apologized and apologized, I didn’t think it will hurt her. But surprisingly when I unveiled her long sleeve blouse, I saw many scratches in her back. When I asked what happened, she did not stop crying and repeatedly said “dad” “mom” “closet”. Mindy and I go back earlier this afternoon

August 20, 2005

I miss Mindy, it’s been 10 days since the last time I met her. Reading books in a library is not amusing anymore without her. I already texted her this afternoon; ask her to pack her sweater and live together with me so she doesn’t have to hide in her closet anymore or even haunted by ghost in her house. I think tomorrow I’ll go to her house.

August 21, 2005

I went to Mindy’s today, her house was quiet with a yellow line around it with “do not cross” sign on it. I took a peek inside her house, there’s no one but her house is messy. Where’s Mindy?

August 31, 2005

I visited Mindy’s house today. Still there’s no clue where she is. When she will come home? This is the last day of summer break. I miss Mindy. Where are you Mindy? Did you go to have holiday somewhere and you meet pirates on the way home so you can’t get home by today? :(

I visited my mom this morning; for the nth time in the last 3 months.

The air was frosty yet calming as I walked out of my house into the subway. I couldn’t wait to see her, I wanted to tell her about my week; about how I got perfect score for calculus quiz last Wednesday, about last Saturday when little sister had her first period and she was super anxious, about our new neighbor (that I already forgot her name) with her super delicious chicken tandoori.

I was kind of lost in own thoughts that I didn’t realize I’ve already get out of subway until I smelt the scent of fresh baked cinnamon rolls from a small shop in front of the station. I bought a dozen of it since this pastry is my mom’s favorite and two cups of coffee for dad & sister that already in hospital since last night.

As I walked to the hospital, the sun already had a peek from between the clouds, too bright and miserably radiant but the winds were quite breezy so I didn’t bother.

It reminded me of last summer vacation with my family. We went to the beach and had a great time there. Dad and sister rode a banana boat with strangers, mom and me played volley with other strangers, mom bought us our favorite strawberry popsicles, we had dinner on the beach with so many delicious seafood, we danced and sang to the ridiculous song that played by the band, we laughed and laughed and had so many laughed at that time.

I was still smiling when I walked into my mom’s room. But it was too quiet, too cold for a sunny day outside. As I looked around the room, to my dad’s puffy face, to my sisters silent cry, to my mom’s serene smile with her eyes closed.

“mom?” no answer.

“mom?” still no answer.

I visited my mom this morning; for the last time in the last 3 months.

I think I am going to put what I wrote and/or what I will write in here too. (latah sebenernya)

But it really is exciting to write anything and save it in here -my most favorite floating space. So… let’s do it (please bear with me).

here comes the time when silence is all you can hear, and the feeling when everything’s already gave up on you: lingered too long☹

Dear my forever favorite petrichor,

the rain pitter-pattered on the rooftop woke me up this morning; the frost yet crisp air still hanging.

I was laying on my bed, not moving, as I gazed on the ceiling. I still can see it clear in my head; twinkling eyes were staring right back at me, smiling.

all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, saying “let’s wander around to that coastal town you got excited about!”

walked into your car, I ignore all the whisperers, Ignore all the red signals, Ignore all the stop signs as the rush and thrilled coming to me.

As you drove fast, I recognized that everyone adores you and applaud everything that you do. And I just realized, me and every one else is the same for you. Foolish me to think I have a better chance.

Blinding light and deafening sound abruptly come over the car. In a blink of an eye I felt like falling like flying until my bone crush.

All I can hear, all I can remember at that moment was how they said “don’t go, don’t jump into that gleaming eyes, don’t let yourself drawn into it”. 

But I don’t mind. Even if I only can watch your story from afar. As I open my eyes to the cold morning in the February, I whisper to the air “No, I don’t mind”

Ps. I love you and I am eternally grateful to have known you.